I wish to be busy....

Yeh, u may think i am mad. Who wants to be busy? Everyone wants be be eng-eng cheng-cheng to wait time goes by... But when i am starting to be quite free (well apparently I am revising for my exams next Monday, but no mood to study now), I will start to think of all the unhappy events that happened a few years back.

9 years ago, I was still a naive JC girl. I entered this JC, thinking that perhaps the end route will be a university course for me. I would think that even I were to do badly for the Prelims, my results will eventually allow me to enter the university. But I was wrong. Competition was high, and everyone was trying to get into the 2 universities. I wasn't scoring too badly, din fail any subjects, anyway din score at least a 'B' either. Thus, I failed to enter into eventually.

Well, that daunts me for years. Even though I managed to get into the part-time U now, I still have the phobia of taking exams in the hall.... The very dis-heartening part is whenmy ex-JC mates were to meet up, they will be talking abt grades, lecturers, certificates, jobs, careers... It is like doing a 'show-hand' on what they acheived in the past. I really felt very inferior or even jealous. Inferior not because I did not do well for my 'A' level, but it is I did not try my best that time. If I have put in extra 10 times effort, I would have even scored higher than they have then. Anyway, it's all over. I guess the effort I have to put in is 'now'.

The next thing that daunted me tonight was my parents' marriage. Sadly, it ended in a 'storm', during my JC years. My mom left the family, which she thinks the outside world will be better for her. Me & my siblings (Elder sis & younger bro) chose to be with our father instead. But we hated our father, bec of what he did to Mom. If he had ever thought for our family, my mom would not have left us. Anyway, it's all over. Nothing can be helped and i still think this is the best solution. I have no idea where are they now, I guess each of them have started their own families, their new lives. Have they forgotten about us? Do they think of us, whether we are properly clothed, fed before they go to sleep?

Unwilling to live with our irresponsible father, we chose to live with our grandmother and auntie instead. Of course, sometimes you may feel u get differential treatments. I really felt sorry for my brother because he is the most greatly affected sibling among us from this. He was only in Sec 2 when my parents' marriage failed. There were times when I was felt even more sorry and 'proud' of myself. I paid for my own fees when in Poly, luckily with the aid of bursaries. I also tried earning some extra income by giving tuition after school. Times were tough, but we survived. My sis completed her degree in NTU and my grandma was thrilled that time when she went for her graduation ceremony. My brother graduated from SP with *ahem* not so good grades bec of his slacking attitude.But at least he passed(luckily). As for me, I was pleased with my grades too. :)

With so many setbacks, the only hope is to move on.